you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
