i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
