between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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