Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
