I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Drunk is a universal language darling
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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