I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
