Pants 0. Shit 1.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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