It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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