Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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