before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
