he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
