now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
