not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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