whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
