i barfeds in our rink
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
