And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
