I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
