My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Randomize
