some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
