I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
