I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
