Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
