this beer tastes like vomit already
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
