i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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