I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Randomize
