My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
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