It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
