Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
