I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
