Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
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I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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