i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
