Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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