Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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