I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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