I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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