I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
