It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
