I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
