she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
