i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
