I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize