A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
