my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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