he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
They are going to name an STD after you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
