dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
