That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
