I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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