That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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