I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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