im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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