dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
