Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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