in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
