is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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