so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
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