We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
