Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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