You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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