the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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