theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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