I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
