Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My liver just had a heart attack.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
