i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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