he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
