Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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