Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
What changed your mind?
Being sober
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
